The men in my life

How can I make you understand. All the achingly uncomfortable silences because we don’t know what to say, they stem from a place of hurt deep within us. But there is a difference father, for your hurt was there long before I was and my hurt, well you were the cause of that. My trust in you is almost as fragile as your own masculinity. And you see, you give everything to keep that masculinity intact, probably because you don’t know how to survive without it, and I give you my trust again and again and you break it again and again to preserve your most prised possession.

How can I make you understand. I know you didn’t make me any promises but what you don’t know is that you are the first male that showed interest. I don’t mean in my looks, no, many men had taken an interest in that since age 11. I mean in my life, in my thoughts, my emotions. You were my first date, don’t you see? You broke my trust but I now see you never realised that it lay in your hands, you never saw it was yours to tear apart. Well now you know it was.

How can I make you understand. Yes I crave male love and attention but why can’t you see that your concern for me is an alien concept. I’ve never had a man care in the way you do. You keep begging me for my trust but you don’t know that it’s hard to hand over now that it is broken into so many shards that cut everything they touch. I’m trying to fix it but I can’t when you are attempting to repair it aswell. It’s like we are fighting for the chore of fixing me, but you’ll never win because no body but me knows how deep my hurt runs.

It runs in my veins and is engrained in my bones and it will take more than you to fix it, it will take me, a force as strong as nature and a passion as hot as fire to remove the men who broke me. Father fractured me, first love broke me and now you’re here to fix me. Well it’s a shame that you are the one I won’t allow to touch my life, because the other two did, and all that happened was heartache.


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